Friday, August 17, 2012

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

I realize this totally just got awkward and weird (sorry, Dad).

But seriously. I need to talk about something. I figured out another reason why I'm not ready to have children.

I'm not ready to even imagine talking to my offspring about sex. In fact, I'm thinking that I'm going to let LoLo do it. And I come to that conclusion because the talk I received was somewhat laughable and not at all an example to follow.

Let me pause yet again to apologize to my father. Sorry P-Diddy, but I'm blowing up your spot.

When I was in 9th grade, my father decided it was time to give me "the talk". His initial strategy was a sound one. We were in the car so unless I decided to risk my life and jump out (I came close), I would be forced to listen. What he didn't plan out though was what he was going to say.

He started by asking me if I "knew the mechanics". (record scratch) I'm sorry....the WHAT?

As soon as he repeated it, I knew exactly where he was going. I took this opportunity to grab his brick of a cell phone (seriously...think Zack Morris's phone) and call my mom.

Mom? Dad's trying to give me "the talk"!!! via
When I called my mom, she said "WHAT?? PUT HIM ON THE PHONE!!" So using both of my hands, I handed my dad the brick phone and my mother proceeded to scold him and told him to stop the conversation. Saved by the Bell...Lydiebell that is! (Ahhh I'm sorry I'm so corny...it was just too easy! Lydiebell is my mom's nickname!)

So I have decided. There's no way I could have such a conversation.

Maybe by the time my children are old enough to have that conversation Siri will be able to do it for me.

Let's hope.

11 comments:

Lacey in the City said...

Hahaha Siri will certainly be able to give the talk with the next upgrade, I'm sure. Steve Jobs has got your back!

Oh hello, Love said...

The best part about this incident? Paul learned his lesson and never ever attempted that conversation with me.

Here's to hoping that upgrade on Siri comes out soon so I can get the full scoop once and for all.

The Management said...

this is too funny, I love it.

Amy said...

Hahaha oh Siri! I can't wait to get her when I have my upgrade on October 2nd! Not that I'm counting down the weeks or anything...

P-Dids said...

You know, I was trying to do the right thing and this is the thanks I get.

And for your information Emily, it's really easy to understand. Insert shaft A into slot B and repeat until you feel like having a cigarette. Hope this helps.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Omg. Is that your dad's comment above????? Dying. Loved this blog post. I don't remember the sex talk with my parents...well other than DON'T DO THIS UNTIL YOUR MARRIED OR I WILL KILL. THAT IS IF THE ACT OF SEX ITSELF DOESN'T KILL YOU. BUT EVEN IF IT DOES I WILL KILL YOU AGAIN. THE END. Nobutseriously. It was relatively taboo. And when my mom found out I had the sexy time before I was married she forced me to give her the purity ring they bought for me when I was 13.

Bri Buzali said...

hahaha this is too funny, I love it! I can't even begin to imagine what that conversation is going to look at when I begin to have kids (in a lot of years from now)

Hamlin House said...

I would like to personally thank P-Dids for having the conversation with me that my parents never would. Siri couldn't have said it better herself.

Also, Erin? Anytime you mention Zack Morris in a post (and include a picture, woo hoo!), it's a GREAT day. Thank you bunches.

Oh hello, Love said...

Somebody give this man his own blog!!!

Al said...

bahahahahaha. I saw the title and started giggling outloud - had to explain to my boss why I was laughing :) I may have fibbed...

xoxo

Renee said...

HA! Siri could probably give that talk in her sleep. Oh wait, she doesn't sleep! lol.