Wednesday, July 9, 2014

All the things I don't want to forget

About 3 months ago, I had to make a trip to San Diego for work. On the flight home, I felt the urge to write a blog post about all of the things I didn't want to forget about life with Alexia at 7.5 months. Well, I wrote the post, but I never transferred it to blogger.

So, here it is. All of the things I don't want to forget about 7.5 month old Alexia. Now that she's 10.5 months.

There are so many things I don’t want to forget about these first 7.5 months of Alexia’s life. The way her sleepy little head rests on my shoulder with her chubby little cheek against mine when she wakes up in the middle of the night to eat. The way her little hands grab at my shirt when I’m feeding her as if she wants it pulled down for some privacy. The way she looks at me when she first wakes up with that huge smile. The way she blows raspberries in the morning when she wakes up in her crib and I hear it over the monitor. The way she completely cracks up when we throw a ball to the dogs and they jump up to catch it. The way she gets so excited for her oatmeal. The way she sips water from a cup that LoLo holds to her lips.

Alexia, 7 months

 It’s funny because seven and a half months seems like such a short amount of time, but there are already things from her first few weeks and months that I totally forget. I forget what it was like to hold that tiny little body on my shoulder while I burped her because now her feet touch my legs when I hold her like that. I forget what it was like to put her down and have her not move from where she is. I forget what it was like to be in a complete haze of sleeplessness and new love. I forget what it was like to have a baby who slept 20 hours a day and who had to nap every 1.5 hours or else she’d get overtired.

Alexia, 8 months at the Children's Museum in Chicago
But what I am loving right now is watching her become this little person with a bright, sunny personality. I know I always say this, but she is such a good baby. She really is just so sweet. Sometimes I wonder how LoLo and I got this lucky. We are both moody people who can have really crappy attitudes, yet here we are with the sweetest little girl who adapts to every situation and smiles and laughs and just generally brings joy to everyone she encounters. To me, it feels like she was meant for us. She makes me a better person because I can’t help but be happy around her.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014


Being a mom is hard.... And not just in the I never sleep, someone relies on me to live kind of way. In the I am now bound to a life of worry and second guessing kind of way. There are tiny moments where I forget I'm a mom. And when I say tiny, I mean tiny. Most times when I "forget", there's a tiny baby sock on the floor or on the couch or on the ottoman (seriously...I find baby socks everywhere!!) to remind me.

The other night as I came up to bed, I saw the clothes Alexia had worn that day on our bed and I immediately thought about how much I love her. And how I can't believe we are keeping her forever. Almost ten months in and I still can't believe she's ours to keep.

Another amazing pic my sister took
I would be lying if I said I don't think about life before the baby. Not because she is a bad baby or because I don't love her, because neither of those things are true, but because the things I worried about before Alexia seem so trivial now. I have developed a minor anxious feeling (I definitely wouldn't call it anxiety right now) because I worry about my little girl. Apparently this is what parenthood really is. Worrying about this tiny person who keeps growing and facing new challenges and presenting me with new challenges. I worry if I'm feeding her the right things, if I'm stimulating her mind enough, if I'm reading enough books to her, if she should be walking, if she should be writing novels by now and earning her PhD.

I would categorize myself as a pretty laid back mom. I like to expose Alexia to lots of new situations and people so that she is comfortable. She has already been to at least five baseball games in her short lifetime. She's already flown four times. She's been to a zoo and a children's museum and parties and dinners and on walks around town. I'm not overly worried about dirt and germs.

 But still, I find myself worrying about the night that she'll get the flu and be up all night. I worry that my heart will break, wishing it could be me that was sick instead of her. I worry that some boy (or girl) will break her heart someday and I won't be able to help. I worry that she won't feel beautiful or smart or loved.

One more time
 These are the things I worry about. The things that for me, make being a mom tough. The things that won't get any easier with time and that I will always worry about. Sometimes I think back to those days before I had her and think of the silly things I worried about. They weren't silly then, but this new little life has made me realize what's actually worth worrying about.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The last day

I've been meaning to write and I've got posts already drafted, but tonight something happened that I felt I just had to blog about. And Dad, this one might be TMI. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tonight I cried because tomorrow will be the last time I pump at work. (well, until we have our next kid... so the last time for a reallllly long time.) Like, legitimate tears came out of my eyes and down my face. About pumping. About something I've complained about for the past 8 months. About something I've dreaded doing every three hours during work and sometimes at home. About something I stressed over for months (do I have enough milk for when I go away? can I go away and find time to pump during the conference? will there be a private bathroom in the airport? when I find that private bathroom will people leave me alone long enough to actually pump?). The struggle is real, y'all.

At first, I ran to the sun room to tell Danny that tomorrow would be the last time I pump! Then it turned into tomorrow will be the....last...time...I...p....(sniffle)ump....

When I first started crying I was kind of laughing, saying, "can you believe I'm crying about pumping?" But then after about 30 seconds, I realized it was real.

I wasn't crying because I wouldn't get to be hooked up to a machine (one that failed me 3 times nonetheless) three times a day. It's not about the machine. It's about the fact that three times a day, I got to stop and really think about my little girl even though she wasn't there with me. Three times a day I got to do something just for her, something I knew would help her grow. Three times a day I got to think about just how incredible my body was for being able to nourish her little body.

On top of that, I got to create a really special bond with some other mothers who just seemed to get it. They understood what it meant to be in that tiny room without windows three times a day, sometimes for 40 minutes at a time, no matter what else was going on at work. They knew what it felt like to be late for meetings or to miss parts of meetings or to drop everything and run downstairs because even when you're at work, your baby is your number one priority. They understood how significant being down even one ounce a day was. They understood how hard it was for me to stock up enough milk to feed my baby for an entire week while I was at a conference. They understood what it meant to miss your baby on those Monday mornings when you just had an amazing weekend of cuddling and complete bliss.

I'm sad that I won't have that daily check in with my mom friends. Having that support has meant so much to me as a new mom. I know the support won't go away, but it obviously won't be the same.

Today as I was getting ready to leave the lactation room, there was a new mom who I had never seen in there before. She asked me a few questions and I happily answered, but I also gave her something that some of the other moms there had given me months ago: it gets easier. Leaving your baby at daycare gets easier, pumping gets easier, finding a balance gets easier, figuring out who you are as a mom gets easier. It all gets easier.

So while I didn't really enjoy the actual act of pumping, I'm glad for what it has given me. New friends, a special bond with my daughter, and a sense of accomplishment for making it almost 8 complete months at work (and traveling) while breastfeeding.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

The little red overalls

Almost exactly a year ago, I posted a picture of some little red overalls on my Facebook page and told the story of those little red overalls here on my blog.

Today, my little girl wore those overalls. It was so hard to believe that a year ago, I couldn't even imagine who would be wearing those overalls and today, I can't imagine life without her.

Sitting in her mama's old high chair
"Come on Mama, quit playing and give me my pears!"

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Becoming Human

This morning as I watched my baby girl play with her little ladybug toy, I couldn't help but notice how much she has changed since she was born. On Monday, she will be 6 months old. The time has just flown, but when I think back to August, it seems like it was such a long time ago. It seems like that was a different baby I held back then while I struggled to feed her and functioned off of several 3 hour chunks of sleep a day.

She wasn't really Alexia yet. And she probably isn't really Alexia now.

But watching her this morning, I realized that every day, I am watching her become human. Her little personality is forming. Her excitement is obvious now. We can tell when she likes something (oatmeal is very high on that list) and we can tell when she really doesn't (carrots are very high on that one).
So serious...
She's this tiny little person discovering the world and I get to watch. I get to experience the pride she feels when she realizes that her little feet hitting those keys on her piano are what is causing the sound. I get to watch while she stares at herself in her tiny little mirror and smiles at the cute baby she sees.

And someday, I'll be the one she calls Mama and the one she says I love you to and of course the one she fights with and the one she's embarrassed by.

As Alexia gets bigger and stronger and becomes her own little person, I am watching in awe. She's reaching for what she wants. She's starting to really be able to roll around and move. Tonight for the first time, LoLo and I saw Alexia get upset when we took something away from her.

Last week I was talking to my friends at work about how time is such a crazy concept. As an adult, a week seems like such an insignificant amount of time but for a baby, it can mean the difference between having to be propped up and being able to sit up by yourself.

I'm learning to slow down a little bit and take life one week at a time. As Alexia grows more and more, I just want to take my time to experience all of the little changes that are happening before those changes pass me by.

I thought pregnancy was an amazing thing because of the little life growing inside me, but honestly, I'm more in awe of the little life growing outside of me.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Mom, married

A few weeks (months?) ago, I wrote about being a mom and working. I don't like to say a working mom because honestly, what mom isn't working? Moms who stay at home definitely work... just maybe not in the traditional sense one might think of.

This week, I've thought a lot about being a mom and being married. I had heard that marriage can get really difficult after you have a child (but let's be real, marriage is hard even without kids). I didn't doubt that LoLo and I would have our arguments and fights.

The first two weeks after Alexia was born, we rode the wave of sleeplessness and the high of having our beautiful little girl in our arms. We barely fought at all. He took care of every little thing I needed. He let me sleep in the mornings while he took the baby downstairs. He loved our little girl so much that I couldn't help but feel extreme love for him too.

But that wave slowly calmed and we came down from our high and our marriage took a back seat. Everything we did was for Alexia. I struggled through breastfeeding, going back to work, and trying to find enough time (and sleep) in the day to take care of Alexia, LoLo, and even Bronx. LoLo struggled through finding his role as a father, figuring out our little girl each week when he had one day alone with her while I worked.

obligatory cute baby pic. taken by my sister of course.

On our trip to New York to visit LoLo's family a few weeks ago, there was one day where I needed to run a few errands around the neighborhood in Queens. LoLo's mom offered to watch Alexia so that he could come with me. As we walked around the neighborhood, doing basic things that we had done a million times before, LoLo said to me, "I feel how I felt when we were first dating. I miss this."

This was me and LoLo as husband and wife rather than as Alexia's mom and dad. This was us, the basis of our relationship, laughing and joking through such menial tasks as going to the supermarket and stopping at the pharmacy.

She's lost some hair, but she's still adorable!
Being a mother is difficult. So is being a father. There are times that I feel resentful that LoLo doesn't have to wake up in the middle of the night when the baby is hungry. And I know LoLo doesn't always love having to take out the trash or cook dinner. But this past week, after an argument over something really stupid, we looked at each other and said that we need to be the best married couple we can be. We have to set the best possible example for our daughter. Because being the best married couple we can be allows us to be the best parents we can be.

Monday, December 23, 2013

The Grinch's Heart is Officially Melting

If you don't remember, I've grown to kind of dislike Christmas. Nothing tragic happened to me as a child, but as I've gotten older, Christmas has been equated with stress and having no money and trying to find the perfect thing for people who have everything and high pitched music that seems to be worse than Chinese water torture.

Last year at this time, I was preparing for another Christmas that would stress me out and probably still hadn't finished all of my shopping yet because I always wait until the last minute. I had even written a whole post about being a Grinch. I had no idea that on December 30, 2012, my life would completely change.

That's a lie. I had a small idea.

See, last year at Christmas, I slept all week. I slept all night, I slept most of the day. I snored (which I never do!). I had crazy heartburn. I kept taking really deep breaths but feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. I knew something was different.

And something was very different indeed. I was pregnant!

So this year, a whole miraculous year later, while I watch my beautiful four month old baby girl sleep with this angelic little look on her face, Christmas has a whole new meaning. It reminds me of the happiness as well as the trepidation I felt last year around this time. It reminds me of how thankful I am to be a mother this year and how lucky I am to have this little girl. Not everyone gets a Christmas present like the one I got last year.

How could you be a Grinch with this little elf??
 LoLo loves Christmas and this year as he put up his tree, he kept saying, "This is for my little girl." He played Christmas music in the living room with only the light of the tree lighting the room. And it got to me. It started melting my little Grinchy heart. I may or may not have cried a little bit while rocking my little girl to sleep one night as the Christmas music played. I know I sound like a broken record, but this baby is so special to me and I know that this time of year will always be different now. This will always be the time of year that I learned my whole life would change forever.