I know my clock is ticking. I know people think I should be having kids already. I know I'm supposed to have baby fever. But I just don't feel it.
The other night, I told LoLo that I feel like Bronx is my baby and that I don't need a human one. I was just kidding. Sort of. Then he told me he would divorce me if I didn't want children. And he wasn't kidding. At all.
Maybe I'm just getting cold feet. I know deep down inside of me I have always wanted to have children (or as LoLo calls them "chewbaccas") with LoLo. But I feel selfish. I feel like I'm not ready to give up my Saturday mornings of sleeping in. Or sleep in general. I'm not ready to give up the freedom of being able to do what I want when I want.
Bronx is perfect for me. He cuddles when I want him to. He goes to sleep when I tell him to. I can leave him home when I want to go somewhere and no one calls protective services on me. He also does not cry. This is important to me.
|Who needs a human baby when you have this fur baby??|
I feel like I haven't finished living my "Erin life". The life where I get to go on adventures and make spontaneous decisions and get into a car without having to bring 20 bags, a car seat, a stroller, a play pen, and 17 other gadgets that I know nothing about right now. I'm not ready to live the "Mama life".
I haven't traveled all the places I want to go yet. I haven't accomplished all my goals. I haven't fully lived yet!
I know that life doesn't end because you have kids. I know there are moms who juggle raising children with accomplishing their goals. I'm just afraid that I might not be one of those moms.
And let's face it. I'm lazy. There, I said it. I'm extremely lazy. You all know I hate cooking and cleaning. What would it be like if I had children? "Oh the baby's diaper is dirty? Sorry LoLo, but really I'm not feelin it right now. I'll get to it..." You can't do that with a baby!!
I know everyone says there's never a perfect time to start having children, but it seems like everyone talks a lot about the wrong time. I mean think about it. Don't have children when you're too young. Don't have them when you're too old either! Don't have them when you have a career you love. Don't have them when you don't have a job. Don't have them before you're married. Don't have them too long after you've been married. With all of these stipulations, how do we ever know it's right?
I know eventually I'm going to have to start thinking about children in a more serious way. I mean, apparently if I don't, I will be divorced. But right now I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to think about it and I'm certainly not ready to start trying.
Now I've got to go, I've got to get my 8 hours of sleep or else I turn into a monster.
See what I mean? I'm not ready. I can't be a monster mom!!
Oh and p.s. I'm fully aware that now that I've written this post, I'm highly susceptible to some type of immaculate conception type thing happening to me. Keep it moving, please, oh holy one in the sky. I'm not the one.