As you can imagine, life lately has been consumed by my little girl. I finally feel like I am starting to get to know her and to know what she needs. This little baby is so good. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother. When we're around people who have just met her, they always ask us if she's always this well behaved. My answer: yes, for the most part. She is has her moments, but overall, she is such a good baby.
She sleeps through the night. She rarely cries (only if she's hungry or tired). She smiles nearly all day. I can't tell you how happy I am. Alexia is the sweetest little girl.
Now can I be real for a few minutes?
About 5 weeks ago, I went back to work. The first day was tough. I dropped Alexia off at her new daycare (which we love by the way) and got back in my car. I let myself cry for 5 minutes on the way to work and then forced myself to stop. I knew that if I let myself cry any longer than that, I would be crying all day.
But once I got back to my desk, sitting in front of my computer, catching up on everything, chatting with my co-workers, a piece of me that had been lost for 9 weeks returned. I felt more comfortable than I had in a while. I knew what I was doing. I was good at what I was doing. I felt confident.
I felt like myself again. I've always known how much I love my work. I love what I get to do every day. I really missed work while I was on maternity leave.
I know some moms would feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. We've all been told at some point or another that we are letting someone else raise our child while we work. And while that is partially true, my daughter knows who I am. She smiles when she sees me. When I get home from work every night, I spend that precious time with her cuddling and laughing and playing. On weekends we spend time staring at each other and I give her way too many kisses (that's totally not possible) and tell her how much I love her.
Alexia needs a happy mama. I would not be a happy mama without my work. Staying at home is not something I'm good at. I was an awful housewife during funemployment. During my maternity leave, I realized I need some balance. I need to feel productive and I need to work my brain in ways that just aren't possible when I'm at home with a baby. Of course I realize how difficult it is to be a stay at home mom and how there is a different type of productivity that comes with that role, but I just couldn't do it. And I don't feel guilty about that.