Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Chasing Sleep

Hi everyone! We're still here! My girl is 9 weeks old (a little over 2 months for those normal people who don't think in weeks).

So much has happened in the past month and every day I think to myself, "Ohhh I need to blog about this!" And I want to blog, but it just never felt like I had time. I'm now relegated to blogging while pumping. Please don't try to imagine that. It's as bad as it sounds.

Alexia is doing great. She's such a sweet little baby. She has her bad days of course, but overall, she has been so good. I really am so happy and know that she is so special. I won't lie and say it's all been easy. There have been times when I've questioned whether I could handle having a baby. 

2 month picture taken by Auntie Em
One night last week, Alexia woke up only 3 hours after she had gone to bed. Before that, she had been having some long stretches of 5, 6, or sometimes even 7 hours of sleep. On this particular night, when she woke up after only 3 hours, I couldn't help but cry. I was exhausted. I thought we were making progress. In that moment, it felt like all of that progress was lost.

I cried because a part of me misses my old life where I slept and got to feel selfish and got to decide how my day would go and got to shower before 3pm. Then I cried because I felt guilty for feeling that way. How could I miss my old life when my new life has Alexia in it? How could I miss sleep knowing that my life is so much better now that she is here?

I had to give myself a break. Any sane person would have a tough time with this sleep schedule... actually this schedule in general. There is no schedule. You do what Alexia wants, when she wants it. The past 9 weeks are a blur of feedings, little sleep, sleep at weird hours, trying to figure this little person out, tears, unbelievable happiness, and so much love.

Another amazing picture taken by my sister
And that night when she looked at me, I remembered why this was all worth it. There will never be love that feels like the love I feel with her. That tiny face looks for me and stares at me and knows me. Someday when she's older, I will miss that feeling and I will forget the sleepless nights and the long days. But right now, while I'm in the thick of it, "chasing sleep" as I heard one mother say, it can be hard to see the big picture. It can be hard to give myself that break.

But through it all, there is so much love. So many cuddles. So many little kisses on those perfect little cheeks. And knowing that this little baby is ours brings me so much happiness.


Sarah said...

So sweet! I'm in the same exact place right now and it is exhausting and exhilarating.

vickichristine said...

Erin, she is beautiful! and i sooo know that crying moment. we definitely wondered if we could turn the clock back and just enjoy being our old selves for a while again. but you're right, it just gets better and better! congrats!!

undomestic mama said...

I hope you get some sleep soon, but I can tell you from experience that sooner than later you will forget you were ever sleep deprived. It seems like so long ago and I can't remember it hardly at all. I do remember falling asleep with my head propped in my hand while tandem nursing once but that's it....it's also hard for me to remember what it felt like holding such tiny babies so sear that memory into your brain as much as you can.