It's official. At almost 31 weeks pregnant, I am just now getting anxious about this baby coming. And when I say anxious, I don't mean "Oh! I can't wait to meet this baby!", I mean "Please baby, stay in there until we are really ready". I know that sounds awful, and I know deep down, of course I want to meet our baby. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to be a good mom. I'm scared that I won't be able to keep our house clean (because who am I kidding, I don't keep our house clean as it is). I'm scared I won't be able to keep LoLo happy. I'm scared that Bronx is going to feel neglected and start acting out.
This past week has been a really hard one. I've cried a few times. I've sat here thinking, "I really should clean up around here" and then proceeded to take a 2.5 hour nap instead. I registered us for a childbirth education class and realized that the only weekend we could do it is the first weekend in August. 3 weeks before our due date. Which means there's always the possibility that we won't make it.
And I know LoLo is feeling anxious too. He's been ignoring things that normally he would have just done, like mowing the lawn. Our lawn is 3 feet tall. No exaggeration. I asked him this morning when he thought he'd be mowing it and he said, "I don't know...someday." and continued playing on the computer. When I asked him if he was just going to sit and play on the computer all day he said "Yeah, probably," even though he knows we have so much to do to prepare for this baby. The nursery is almost completely painted, but it has sat "almost done" for almost 2 weeks. (After I originally wrote this, he went outside and mowed the lawn and then came inside and cleaned the bathroom. Good husband.)
I know he's having a hard time and that he's getting just as worried as I am because when I get anxious, he is usually the one to come to my rescue and remind me that everything is going to be ok. But he's not doing that right now. He's stuck with his own emotions.
I have been really lucky to have a really easy pregnancy so far (knock on wood). I've coasted through with barely any pain and barely having to change my life. This week though, I finally started feeling some aches and pains. I finally wasn't able to tie my shoes myself because I can't bend over. And I think it finally hit me. I'm having a baby.
Oh you will be an AWESOME mom!! I'm going through a lot of the same fears, so please know that you are not alone. And don't even get me started on the tears ... or I might start crying again. :) No doubt you will be amazing!
Aw, I'm sending you good wishes for a smooth next week or two. Thanks for sharing how it's going, reading about friend's pregnancies makes me slightly less anxious for my own some day :)
erin. oh this post...i can remember well past my due date feeling like i'd be happy to be pregnant forever...i was scared, too. oh lady. sending a hug your way.
it's hard to imagine the changes that are ahead. it's also hard to try to prepare...because nothing can prepare you for what will be life altering, amazing, hard, scary, wonderful changes. and life will change moment by moment...you'll be happy, then sad, sleepy, then energized, clueless and then an expert. you'll have ups and downs...but i assure you that you'll cry many more times between now and the time you hold that sweet baby in your arms. and i'm always here if you just want to talk or cry or whatever.
i promise you that what you are feeling is normal...i'd be worried if you weren't feeling that way...and dearest those naps are important. take them. take them because you deserve them. not because "you'll never sleep again"--that's crap. take them because you are growing A LIFE. take them because who cares how long your grass is. take them as a way to take care of yourself...especially in this time of anxiousness. take them because your baby doesn't care if it has a nursery...or if it's parents took a childbirth class. i promise you that when you leave the class there MIGHT be a few things that you remember. but probably not. the good news is that you don't have to know what to do to birth the baby or to be a parent. it's scary, but true.
i can also promise you that you'll be a good mom...in fact, a great mom. the other worries might be true...your house might be a disaster, bronx might get the short end of the stick for a while, and you and lolo might struggle. but that is okay. it might take a while, but one day you'll emerge from the mama cyclone and you'll be dressed and showered, without milk leaking everywhere:), and walking the dog, with a happy baby, and lolo by your side.
you will become a mother empirically...guided by practical experience.
it is about to get REAL up in here for sure. a baby is on the way. hold on mama...life's getting good!
p.s. i think it's a girl!
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